Anyone who knows me knows I’m more than a little obsessed with Dr. Who. It’s not surprising that many of the episodes push my baby loss buttons. There are episodes about babies being stolen, torn away before your eyes. There are episodes about the power contained in lives that should have been lived. Today, on the thirteenth anniversary of what would have been River’s birthday, and the day Aidan was torn away from us, I’m watching an episode about the power of remembering. About crying without knowing why. About loving someone so hard that you can bring them back from never existing at all. If that’s not an episode tailor-made for us, I don’t know what is.
Our babies don’t leave much physical evidence behind. Most people would never know they existed unless we tell them. They often don’t get memorials in cemeteries. There are often no photographs. Some people would have us think they never really existed at all. But we remember them. Our bodies remember them, even years later, enough that sometimes we find ourselves crying without knowing why, before we remember the date on the calendar. Before we realize consciously what was going on at this moment, so many years ago. We remember them, and we keep loving them. If we could love them fiercely enough to bring them back, we would.
Sometimes I wish the powers that work in fictional worlds would work the same way here. But, whether it can bring you back to me or not, I remember you.