To Be a Good Mother by Amy Kemp Hall

“To be a good mother while my heart was breaking was one of the hardest roles I’ve ever had to play.”

I saw this quote a few days ago and it really hit home for me.  After nearly two years, my heart still breaks every morning when I wake up and realize that my title of “mother” is forever altered.  All of my children are not here with me.  And yet I get up every day to take care of the precious gift I have been given in my sweet rainbow baby.  As much as I feel my losses have changed my life, they are also impacting hers and that tears me apart.  I am not the mother I should be, or want to be, for her.  And I feel I am failing her because of it.

Two years ago I would never have been able to imagine how much of an impact losing a baby would have.  I knew it must be a horribly painful experience, but the daily torture of thinking I have let all of my children down weighs heavy on my heart.  Somehow my body let down the children I lost to miscarriage.  My pregnancy with my rainbow baby had some difficulties, which I can only think were due to how much I allowed the grief of my previous miscarriage to affect my physical health. And now I am letting down my daughter by not being the mother she deserves.  I don’t know how to move past the grief of my losses and live in this world anymore.  My life is not the same and I feel like a shell of who I used to be.  I have done irreparable damage to so many of my relationships.  I have a hard time looking people in the eye because I feel so ashamed, and I often come across rude or uncaring when I really am just trying to disappear from everyone and everything.  My job is suffering and at least once a week someone asks me what is wrong or why am I so quiet.  I just try to fake a smile and make some conversation because I don’t think many people would understand how much I still struggle with every day life.  That is not the type of person I want to model for my daughter, and I don’t know how to change it.  The harder I try to fix it, the worse it gets.  I just want to move forward with my life, never forgetting the children I have lost and honoring them forever.  I want her to know about her siblings not here with her, but I don’t want it to be a constant source of sadness for her.  I also want to laugh with my daughter and truly feel joy again.  I miss feeling moments of happiness and would love to experience those with my daughter.  She deserves to have a wonderful happy life, and I feel I am robbing her of that.  If there was a step by step guide on how to get my life back, I would gladly sign up.  But for now, it is just one day at a time, one foot in front of the other, until I figure out how to be the mother she needs and deserves me to be.

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