Rain after Rainbows

Post by Amy Hall

In the span of one year, I delivered my 2 babies into this world. My first was delivered on 12/27/15, 2 days after being told he or she had died after making it only 11 weeks and 1 day into my pregnancy. I delivered this child by myself, alone in my bathroom, and only a handful of people are aware of what happened that morning. My second baby was delivered on 12/14/16. She was delivered in a hospital, surrounded by many people, with dozens of people eagerly awaiting her arrival. The 2 deliveries had very different circumstances, with all of the details of both very precious to me.

After losing my first child, I thought the only way I would be able to heal would be to have another baby. Not to replace my lost child in any way, but to bring some joy back into my life. But as much as I thank God every day for my rainbow baby, the grief from losing my first baby is as present and real as ever, and has become even more prononced since giving birth to my second baby.

I worried about my rainbow baby in a way I never did, and probably never would have worried about my first baby. After some initial problems with the second pregnancy, I was told everything looked great. And that should have been such a relief. But I could never breath easy or let my guard down. I couldn’t let myself get as excited about this baby, because I knew I couldn’t go through the pain of losing another child and was terrified that this one would be taken from me too. I was barely hanging on after the loss of my first. As her due date came closer, my anxiety only increased and the last few months of my pregnancy were by far some of the worst of my life, which makes me feel so guilty to admit. People around me were so excited for me and this baby, and I was blessed to have that….but I just had to smile and pretend to agree with their excitement. How could they understand that I could have so much love for her and yet not want to let myself think of her actually being part of my world someday, in case that never happened.

Now that she is here, safe and sound, there are such conflicting emotions. I have loved her fiercely from the minute I laid eyes on her. But all of the hospital’s questions about whether she is my first child bring back last December in an instant. I still don’t know quite how to answer that question. And well intentioned people, people that do know about my loss, telling me to enjoy my first Christmas as a mom break my heart. I was a mom last Christmas. And the child that first made me a mom was only acknowledged by one special person this Christmas, which meant the world to me. Everyone else just ignored what happened last year at this time. Maybe they just don’t know what to say. Or maybe they forgot. But either way, it hurts to think that he or she is being forgotten. The grief from that loss, even after a year, and even after having my rainbow baby, is still so overwhelming it takes my breath away.

I will forever be thankful for my rainbow baby, will love her with everything I have and look forward to a lifetime of special memories with her. But I will also forever be grateful for my angel, who gave me the title of Mommy.

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